All or Nothing Kind of Girl

I’ve just been out for a coffee with a friend of mine and as we sat there drinking our two-handled gigantic coffee’s we had a little laugh about some the things that I have done of late.

I’ve been have been having a few crazy months which pretty much define my character and personality.

All or nothing. That’s what I am, an all or nothing kind of girl. Always have been and always will be. I am either 100% in or I am not.

My friend assures me that this is because I have a creative personality and it means that that I don’t have too much time to think about things before I move onto the next ‘big thing,’ therefore I am in a perpetual state of motion. Forever jumping from one thing to another wherever my created tendencies take me.

I am inclined to agree with the latte psycho-analysis.

Here is an example of my crazy.

On Saturday I decided that I was a little inspired by a conversation that I had had with someone and decided to write a short story based on it. So I did.

I then sent it over to the person without even checking it; typo’s and spelling mistakes and all.

Okay, you may say, that’s not too bad. Well yeah it kind of is because the person I sent it too is a book reviewer and now more than likely thinks that all my work is going to be completely random and look like it is written by a ten year old.

Okay, so apology sent on that one. Note to self don’t send emails when you have consumed three quarters of a bottle of white wine.

Last week I woke up in a panic at two in the morning because I decided that I did not like my final version of my novel that I had sent to my publisher.

Thing was, it was not my actual official version, it was a version that I had already panic amended on another morning at 2.00 a.m. (I panic in the middle of the night; it is one of my things). So I then had to send an email to the publisher to say “hey there, remember me that crazy woman you gave a contract too, by the way I sent you the wrong file and could I send you the right one?”

The return reply was – yeah sure, but hey we have already started editing so it may be too late.


The publishers are now editing a book that even I am not sure about! Someone hit me over the head with something heavy quick.

Two days ago I decided to finish another novella I had started to work on a while back – this is written from my main male characters pov and actually quite a good idea – so I finished it and decided to contact my publisher to see what she thought I should do with it from a marketing perspective. She told me to send it over and she would let me know what she thinks.

So I did. Without checking it for typo’s and spelling mistakes, many of which I found after pressing send.

Seriously! Twice in one week!

I can’t help it, it’s part of my impetuous nature that I have to do things right now or I will not do them at all.

It’s part of being an all or nothing kind of girl.

I will write the email and send it without checking it.

Or I won’t.

I will write an entire story in one day.

Or I won’t.

If I meet you and like you then I will be your friend forever even if I don’t get to talk to you often.

Or I won’t.

I will do all the housework in one hit including deep power clean bleaching.

Or I won’t.

And I will write a blog post about being an out of control fly by the seat of my pants head case and post it without checking it.

Or I won’t.


Writing to Music. Or. My Life Lived to Music

My life is lived to an ongoing soundtrack – a playlist of tunes that fit my mood and emotions, or maybe I fit my emotions and mood to the songs. I don’t know. What I do know is from the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I switch off my laptop in the evening and finally give into my drooping eye lids I listen to music.

Sometimes I am in the mood for track skipping, sometimes I am in the mood for singing, sometimes I am in the mood for contemplating and sometimes, just sometimes I am in the mood for remembering.

It’s all day every day, I can’t drive the car without plugging my phone in first and choosing the right song, I don’t blow dry my hair or plaster on my war paint without the appropriate song in the background.

Hell; I am sitting here writing a blog post with my song of my day on its tenth rendition in my ear.

I wonder when this started? I am trying to remember but the truth is I cannot recall a moment of my life when I have not had music on in the background.

During my teens it was Prince, a stage my parents were not overly thrilled about. My god I loved that man, his lyrics are pure poetry. Poetry in its finest form, set to tunes you can remember, enabling even the most verbally repressed audience to understand every single emotion in a line.

My sister tells the story of the Sunday Lunch I refused to come down too when I was eighteen because I was up in my room with Prince blaring through the ceiling.

“Come down stairs now.”


“Come down stairs now!”


Cue dramatic slamming of bedroom door and the cranking of Purple Rain to its absolute max.

I think now, how will I feel when my daughter comes home and tells me about this great song she heard, or I can hear her playing it through the wall. ‘I Can Never Take the Place of Your Man.’ She’ll say “Mum have you heard this song before?” and I will turn to her a with one of those adult sardonic shrugs and say “Honey I have not just heard it, I’ve bloody lived it.”

Then of course she will look at me like I am a foreign species because there is no way in the world that I could understand a single thing she is experiencing.

Yeah right.

But Prince was not the start, not the beginning of me living my life to music.

Maybe it was the summer before, the first year of sixth form; a platonic friend and I were sitting in his dad’s garden. There we were countless empty green Carslberg cans smattering on the lawn and we had raided his dads CD collection until we found ‘But Seriously’ – by Phil Collins. Yes I know it is not cool to say his name any more but back then in 1995 that man was a legend and we sat and listened to ‘Wish it Would Rain Down,’ at least ten times in a row thinking we understood it, but of course we didn’t, not back then anyway.

His neighbours must have hated us.

I don’t think it was the Phil phase and I don’t think it was the Prince either. Something else, something earlier.

Now I remember. I remember sitting in my sister’s Care Bear bedroom in our second house – so I was under seven – and I remember our little tape player we had. I used to steal all mum and dad’s cassettes and hoard them upstairs and spend my time winding forward and back trying to perfect the art of stopping at the beginning of a song (it’s a life skill that you just have to learn). The cassettes were those orange and black BASF ones and they were filled with Abba, Barbra Streisand, Neil Diamond, The Eagles, a real eclectic mix and every single song I listened to had a story to tell, a tale to imprint on my subconscious so that the best part of thirty years later I still remember them in every detail. It’s what I live by and it what I write by, a million emotions all set to music.

So what do I look for in the perfect song, my favourite song? I look for one line, one line which makes perfect sense to me and makes me believe the song.

I only have one favourite song, it has been my favourite since 1996 and it will be probably forever. Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits; the lyrics are so sad and understated and of course it has the one immortal line, the one line that every time I listen to it (daily) my heart gives a little squeeze.

“I can’t do everything but I’d do anything for you 
 I can’t do anything except be in love with you”

Okay two lines but you get my drift!

 So what’s my song today? What’s driving my emotions and my writing today? Well I have to admit is another Train song…I am a bit stuck on them at the moment. Why do I like it…Because it is simple and understated and downright sad…and what’s The Line, the one that makes my heart ache?

“You’re the only thing I’m ever gonna miss
We were made for this”


That sound you can hear? That’s my heart giving it’s little squeeze.

The Wedding Anniversary Post

So tomorrow is my six year wedding anniversary. Sorry obviously I mean ‘our’ six year wedding anniversary.

Six years, how did that go so fast? Oh yes that’s right we have been bringing up our crazy kids and living our busy lives; before you know it six years has passed in the blink of an eye.

I worked out this week that I could have probably ‘accidentally’ tripped in the kitchen whilst holding a carving knife and finished him off and I probably would have been out of jail by now. Or I could have had one of those ‘moments’ where I was getting a heavy based stainless steel saucepan out of the dishwasher and accidentally hit him with it on his right temple lobe and I still would have just been  getting released from the crazy hospital. (There is actually a story to tell …and yes it hurts…)

But no. Here we both are, another year notched on the limitless span of our marriage and do you know what? It feels great.

Now Mr B and I have never really celebrated our anniversary before, something to do with having our first child two months exactly after the nuptials has kind of put the celebrations on the back burner for the last few years, actually leaving the house to go out for dinner just the two of us always felt like way too much effort in the grand scheme of things.

This year, there is a different atmosphere in the build up to the weekend. This year our children are old enough to not need to be parented every thirty seconds and this year Mr B and I actually get to have those things lots of single adults or at least couples without children get to do frequently (no not that you dirty beasts) we get to have conversations. More and more conversations with every day that passes and after years of snatched snippets of each other’s day and passing moments of coupleness this is a nice place to be.

I would not change the last six years at all, I love our family and everything that comes with it but right now I am excited for the next six years and what they are going to bring.  It’s going to be great.

My sister mentioned a song to me this morning that I then went on to listen too. It made me a bit emotional because behind the offbeat tune and the perky lyrics there was the most romantic sentiment I have heard in a long time.

It kind of sums up for me how I am feeling this weekend and how I hope to feel going forward. That I could spend every day until I die as we are, and when it is over and my time is done I will still look for him again and want to spend every day of whatever comes next with him as well.

The title of this song is also particularly apt and I know that Mr B will appreciate it.


So why am I writing this…..

 ….well I forgot to buy a present of course. So this is my gift instead.